Parenting & Video Games

The intersection of a Theology of Video Games with parenting.

My wife and I have four boys and we are kinda-sorta fearful they’ll become video game addicts.

Not because of any current manifestations of addictive behavior, mind you, but because we live in a culture that is more and more normalizing boys having really unhealthy relationships to video games.

Our culture puts our boys at a disadvantage, normalizing things like using video games to cope with stress, the inclusion of gambling-like systems inside games (think loot boxes), and the proliferation of live-service games in which there is never an end but only more more more.

And not having video games in our home is no guarantee that our children won’t develop unhealthy habits later in life — the same way not having alcohol in the home won’t guarantee our children grow up to have a healthy relationship to alcohol.

But this article isn’t about the problems our children face, but about the practical steps we’ve learned raising four children in this culture. As always, this is less a “how to raise kids that aren’t video game addicts” and more like, “some thoughts and practices from another parent on the road”.

Principle 1: Acknowledge It’s A Drug

We discussed this at length in our last post, but I’ll touch it briefly here because it is super important.

Any device that is designed to create spikes of dopamine in the human brain should be considered (by parents and consumers, at least) as a drug. Hard stop.

That’s doesn’t mean children can’t play video games. Caffeine is a drug, yet I don’t think someone is a “bad parent” when they let their kids drink Mt. Dew at a birthday party or let their children eat some dark chocolate at Halloween Fall Fest.

Still, I do think someone is parenting poorly when they allow their child unfettered access to soda, candy, sugar-loaded juice boxes, and espresso. I’m not trying to be judgmental, I’m just acknowledging that children are developing physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and being thoughtful about what they consume is a part of responsible — and loving — parenting.

So, putting that Switch 2 in the hands of a kiddo at Christmas is a far bigger decision than Nintendo would like you to believe, and it should be made carefully and with intention.

Principle 2: No Free-to-Play Games

Always ask why a company makes something “free”.

Facebook runs ads, for example. Using the platform is “free” because you’re paying by giving your attention to sponsored posts. In order to keep you there, Facebook uses understandings of human psychology to make the site very addictive, which allows them to continue showing ads and growing their revenue.

Free-to-Play games are incredibly prone to a variety of sneaky techniques that keep players coming back for more. Fortnite, Roblox, Clash of Clans, Marvel Rivals, (etc) are not games for kids.

The content themselves may be fine (though, that’s up for debate), but the system of gameplay is intentionally addictive. I should probably write a whole post on only this, but please hear me when I say these games are (almost) always a bad idea.

Remember when we played Mario Bros as kids in the 80s and 90s?

We played a few levels, lost a bunch of lives and had to restart. Then we decided we’d rather go outside or maybe call our friend Debbie on the landline whenever Ronny would stop using the internet so that our call could go through!

The good ‘ole days of dial up and Super Nintendo.

Back then, companies made money on a game when it was purchased, and afterwards wouldn’t make money from that consumer again until they went and purchased another game from their publisher/developer. Companies were incentivized to make good games, not addictive ones.

It stayed like that until the rise of mobile gaming, which popularized free-to-play gaming. This new, free-to-play, model has more similarities to a Las Vegas slot machine and social media than to Pac-Man or Dr. Mario.

There are exceptions, of course. But unless you are a very involved gamer-parent, you won’t find them (and your kids are not good judges). So make a blanket rule: No free-to-play games.

Principle 3: Game Together

In my home, my children’s ONLY access to video games is with me or my wife. Literally, they have never played a game without us right there playing with them.

My oldest son is turning eleven, and that probably won’t change until he’s… I don’t know, to be honest.

If you think I’m crazy, that’s fine. But the benefits are numerous:

• There is a natural limit on play time (my wife and I are busy adults).

• Their only video game memories are communal.

• My son has no context for using games to “escape” anything — not his emotions, not conflict… nothing.

• We have a lot of fun together.

• My sons are witnessing a healthy relationship to video games (and by extension, all forms of entertainment).

• The games they play and how they play them are guided by me and/or my wife. We talk through difficult content in games, just like we do in movies, shows, the news, or Scripture.

For the record, not all parents have the time (or maybe not the interest) to play video games with their children. That makes perfect sense, and may mean that video games aren’t for your home — and that’s okay.

If we think that our children are “missing out” on a part of life because they can’t play Fortnite with their friends, we have a distorted view of what God has called our life to be.

Sometimes parents are at their best when they can say “no”.

In our home, we don’t often do organized sports. With four boys, it’s difficult to navigate practices, game days, and to afford equipment and league fees. At one point, we realized that trying to keep up with baseball was hurting our family time and increasing our stress in an already stressful season.

So we said, “not right now, this needs to wait” to all sports leagues.

Does that mean that my children are “missing out” on season after season of organized sports? Yes. But they aren’t missing out on the life God has for them. Instead, we said “no” to one thing so we could prioritize a greater one: Saturdays together as a family.

If the only way a child can play video games is alone or with other children, then this is a season to say, “no, this isn’t for our family right now”.

Oh, and I’m not just talking about for kids under twelve or something. If a thirteen, sixteen, or eighteen year old hasn’t had healthy video game habits built into their life by a loving adult, then it is unloving and impractical to expect them to form those habits on their own.

I mean, could you navigate a healthy relationship with a dopamine machine at eighteen?

Principle 4: Be Very Careful About Reward/Punishment Systems

“Ok, Tommy, you can play video games once you’ve done all your homework.”

On one level, there is nothing wrong with this approach. However, it’s subtly communicating something the parent doesn’t actually want to communicate: video games are the goal.

Sugar tastes good on its own, but we’re taught to love it when it’s offered as the reward for eating healthy foods — just eat your vegetables and you can have…

Video games are enjoyable on their own, but we’re taught to love them when they are offered up as the reward for homework, chores, etc.

Likewise, when video games are the main form of discipline (“Your grounded. No video games for a week!”) then children are also being told that video games are important, and doing without them is pain.

The point is, we need to have healthier forms of motivation and disciple in our home than video games.

If our response to this is, “but Phil, it’s the only thing that works to get Johnny to do his homework or stop hitting his sister” then that’s a sure sign video games should be removed from the home entirely.

Yes, that means that there will need to be a painful reset period for the child and parent. The child will need to detach from the cycle of gaming and the parents will need relearn how to lovingly motivate and discipline their child.

The process will be deeply uncomfortable, and will almost certainly come at the most inconvenient time in the family’s life, but it is so necessary.

Side note: This could easily apply to cell phones as well.

In Conclusion

I really like video games.

I also enjoy craft beer and good coffee.

My liking something and it not being “sinful” have little bearing on whether or not I allow my children to engage with it. As their parent, I must be willing to think critically about how my children experience and encounter the world.

For our family, that looks like allowing video games in our home, but being very thoughtful and intentional about their use.

And you know what? It’s going really well. I have lots of wonderful memories with my children, I look into their eyes every day, and I’m watching them grow in curiosity and creativity. In fact, our time playing video games has often fueled their Lego builds, been the catalyst for stories they’ve written, pictures they’ve drawn, and adventures they’ve lived out together in their imaginative play.

But my wife and I continue on this path knowing that this isn’t how their lives has to go. Video games can also be a source of creative death, addiction, inability to cope or grieve healthily, and so much more.

The difference is often a willingness for parents to be intentional and engaged.

This is part 6 in a series on “A Theology of Video Games”. To see the whole series click here.